Tuesday, June 1, 2010

blind faith

i know a lot of people who are practical and logical. and they, too, fall prey to blind faith.

they believe an anecdote as fact and base their actions upon it.

someone tells them when they were a child they did something. and without video evidence, only the hearsay from a few folk, often only one person, they simply believe it. this is a thing i did. this is the person i was.

how can you just buy into that if you aren't willing to buy other things as fact just because someone said so? where is the scientific inquiry?

i don't understand why people simply accept in some areas and demand proof in others. especially when it comes to who you were - upon which who you are is based.

and if you discard everything you were told about yourself, what does that leave? how do you stare back into the gaping nothing and know who you are? what do you base yourself on. everything that comes to mind you must examine: who told me this? why do i think this is true? where did i learn this? and discard all the little anecdotes that remain unproven.

what is left of who you are?

and when you get to the root of who and what you are that is true, is it something you can deal with?

anymore, i don't believe anything that i cannot be certain of. what does this leave? my wonderful list. the basic concepts of physics (i think they are incomplete, not incorrect, so i can cope with things like gravity and thermodynamics).

sometimes i am bothered by how little of me there is. i don't know where this comes from. this concept that i'm broken. i have only now because now is the only thing that is and even that isn't entirely real because it's all perception and senses. but nonetheless, it IS at least, and so i go with that or else i don't think i could survive. it's always in my head that none of it really is. shadows and smoke.

and then things are so much only shadows that i forget whether or not i can exist, because how can something exist now without a then?

and then i run to my auntie to make it all better. she says i'm lucky. most people have to strip it all off with careful thought and they only scrape the surface. creating of themselves who they want to be. i just slough it all off on accident because my brain only recognizes things i really know, things i can be certain of.

she says i'm organic compost where as most people are store bought shit food that has to be excreted, then composted, along with its cardboard box, to get something good to grow. lol.

i can't recall her other analogy. but i was thoroughly amused.

so once again it's good to be me, with all my lack of existence and confusion and my world built on smoke and mirrors. it's just so disconcerting when you look around and realize there is so little there and everyone else is reacting to things that aren't there. i think i would be okay if everyone else wasn't interacting with a world i cannot see. i suppose it is fair. they don't see my shadow world trees and walk right through them.

i don't see their pasts or their futures.

i don't have their faith. i've never been good at that.