Tuesday, June 1, 2010

blind faith

i know a lot of people who are practical and logical. and they, too, fall prey to blind faith.

they believe an anecdote as fact and base their actions upon it.

someone tells them when they were a child they did something. and without video evidence, only the hearsay from a few folk, often only one person, they simply believe it. this is a thing i did. this is the person i was.

how can you just buy into that if you aren't willing to buy other things as fact just because someone said so? where is the scientific inquiry?

i don't understand why people simply accept in some areas and demand proof in others. especially when it comes to who you were - upon which who you are is based.

and if you discard everything you were told about yourself, what does that leave? how do you stare back into the gaping nothing and know who you are? what do you base yourself on. everything that comes to mind you must examine: who told me this? why do i think this is true? where did i learn this? and discard all the little anecdotes that remain unproven.

what is left of who you are?

and when you get to the root of who and what you are that is true, is it something you can deal with?

anymore, i don't believe anything that i cannot be certain of. what does this leave? my wonderful list. the basic concepts of physics (i think they are incomplete, not incorrect, so i can cope with things like gravity and thermodynamics).

sometimes i am bothered by how little of me there is. i don't know where this comes from. this concept that i'm broken. i have only now because now is the only thing that is and even that isn't entirely real because it's all perception and senses. but nonetheless, it IS at least, and so i go with that or else i don't think i could survive. it's always in my head that none of it really is. shadows and smoke.

and then things are so much only shadows that i forget whether or not i can exist, because how can something exist now without a then?

and then i run to my auntie to make it all better. she says i'm lucky. most people have to strip it all off with careful thought and they only scrape the surface. creating of themselves who they want to be. i just slough it all off on accident because my brain only recognizes things i really know, things i can be certain of.

she says i'm organic compost where as most people are store bought shit food that has to be excreted, then composted, along with its cardboard box, to get something good to grow. lol.

i can't recall her other analogy. but i was thoroughly amused.

so once again it's good to be me, with all my lack of existence and confusion and my world built on smoke and mirrors. it's just so disconcerting when you look around and realize there is so little there and everyone else is reacting to things that aren't there. i think i would be okay if everyone else wasn't interacting with a world i cannot see. i suppose it is fair. they don't see my shadow world trees and walk right through them.

i don't see their pasts or their futures.

i don't have their faith. i've never been good at that.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

hoorah for visits!

My friend is visiting and the rest of his family will be out here Tuesday. I work Tuesday and had gotten permission to log out for an hour to hang out but now, because the universe sits around thinking of ways to make me happy, I'm not assigned on phones at ALL that day, so I can visit for as long as they want. I just have to be available to type and answer questions all day long :D

Life is so good!

Normally I'm on phones Tuesday and off Wednesday. Random Universe Love! LOL.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

My Story

So one of the autism groups is collecting stories from auties, right? Well. What the hell is there to say? I'm self diagnosed. I haven't done anything triumphant. I'm a fairly average person living a fairly average life. I haven't had anything to "overcome". I've just had to hold tight and wait out my brain developing. Developmental delay means slow, not stopped. The waiting sucked. But here I am, a fairly average 17 year old, in her first apartment, holding down a job, and trying to decide how to meet people and be social.

The only unordinary thing is that I am 33.

I sorta recall that some parts of my life were spent frantic, but looking back, I'm calm now so the now is everything and I can't think of anything interesting to tell anyone.


So if anyone has any ideas what you are supposed to tell people when telling them about yourself when they ask things like "what is your story in regards to autism"... please comment and gimme a hand. I think "it's all very ordinary" is very important. High Functioning Autism isn't that big a deal. Your just a social retard and it takes you a bit *cough cough* longer to reach adulthood. Or teenhood. Whatever.

I dunno.

Seems kinda silly to ask a group who statistically lives in an endless NOW about a possible THEN and to describe how you felt when you've moved past that feeling into feeling whatever the now is. I suppose for those still in the then it's different, but once you are passed it, what do you do to explain that you aren't who you were.

halp halp.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

buddhism & non violence

There are aspects of Buddhism I was born in touch with. I understand universal love. I understand detachment (and not the American emo version lol).

But damned if I give a flying fuck about non violence. In fact, I'm very PRO violence. I think love is sometimes a good solid smack upside the head and I think killing those who threaten you is dandy. We are animals and the non violence is a way to keep yourself mindful and above simple animal reactions.

As a concept, I approve of anything that creates mindfulness. For me, violence is mindful. I guess most people don't do it like I do. Violence is an act of love, of contrition, of proving you live, of dancing of fucking of cooking. It's slaughter to create life.

And yet I'm quite against war. I find that amusing.

War is monetary and political. It's not an action that defines life. It's not violence, it's a game that happens to have violent moments.

Somehow, I say violence is good and people assume I go around beating people or applaud abuse and the slave trade. Which just shows that people are idiots who need smacked upside the head more often. Sometimes a child needs a swat and sometimes you need slapped when you take liberties. I don't think the levels of violence that really amuse me are for everyone. I freely admit parts of my brain are quite broken if "able to fit easily and comfortably into society" is the definition of not broken.

All the feralness and careful, thought out, non reactive violence, and the joyous unthought violence that is stronger the more calm and pleased I am... all serve to make folk scared of me. Which, of course, just pisses me off.

All of my friends find the utter love of violence when I'm most joyous rather adorable and simply a part of me. That is why I love them more deeply and with many other positive emotions all blended in.

Love of violence is running out into the hail during a tornado warning to dance out the screams. Love of violence is being tied and beaten until the calm pervades and slips out in a screaming orgasm. It is the loving thought of killing those you love when they are nearing their end or in a pain that will not end. It's wanting to raise my own beef and help slaughter it and process it so that the care and love will infuse it and come back to me as I eat it. It's the pleasure in watching a cat catch a mouse, in watching the lion take down the antelope, in hearing a rabbit scream as it's caught by dog. It's the joy in the pain that happens every day, that is present and colours all the negative emotions that the pain creates. Violence is life and life is joy and so I am a very poor Buddhist in some ways.

Because non violence is so anti what I am that trying to be non violent would be against Buddhism, which is all very balanced and zen and so it feels very right being a violent Buddhist.

Perfection lies in being as utterly you as you can be. When all the illusions are set aside, when the fear of the dark is passed through, when you can face you light side as easily as your dark side, when you know who and what you are and this doesn't dismay or frighten you, when you can nod and appreciate that person and love it... then you can reach perfection.

I think people get confused thinking perfect must be some version of "good". But perfection is a state of being and good is a value judgment. I don't believe in value judgments. I don't think they exist. They are mental constructs.

I'm babbling terribly, but it's been a long day and I'm sick and tired of people being so fucking scared of themselves and their "bad" parts and their darkness and I'm tired of those who therefore fear we who don't fear it all. It's so ridiculous.

If people can just accept that they are mammals, life would be so much easier. Yes, we pollute. All animals do. We litter. All animals do. The difference between a bird eating a nut and tossing shells everywhere and humans eating a snickers and tossing the wrapper is very subtle. It's a natural reaction to spread the seeds. If people understood that they are animals trying to spread seeds perhaps it would be easier to therefore remember to clean up after themselves. But people fear being animals. Animals have no souls and suffer and die and who wants that? So we'll invent stories to feel better. Invent gods who love us best and give us a way out. We'll invent reasons why we are more and better and don't just follow instinct, which is all instinct anyway, so it defeats its own argument.

Friday, May 14, 2010

recipezaar world tour

lookie what my AUNTIE made me!!! :D

Thursday, May 13, 2010

suicidal is NOT depressed

so in a schedule tightness i had two days on low food. and i am reminded that 48 hours on low calorie makes me suicidal. and psychotic.

for some reason people assume that i'm therefore somehow depressed. i don't understand where that leap comes from. i'm still pleased with everything, think we are the luckiest state in the world because it's raining and perfect temperature, and filled with joy that things are blooming. i just want to have a blood bath. mine and everyone else's. i'm not sure where the depressed comes in. lack of sanity, sure. no arguments.

everything grates on my nerves that has to do with people, but nothing else does. and i don't. grate on my own nerves LOL. it's just that people are so petty, i can't take them seriously. and they take themselves so seriously i have to mock them. on low calories i don't have the excess energy to hold back.

i spend stupid amounts of energy on social shit all week long. i don't have the energy for it away from work and especially when i'm not eating enough. it's all bullshit and lies anyway. small talk drives me up the wall even when i feel well.

i am so tired of bullshit. i mean, i get paid to put up with it, so i deal with it at work. but i don't get paid to put up with it outside of work, so i don't. i have no issue with basic manners, but social games should mean i get to kneecap you with a spiked bat.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


i made it through my work week! this always feels like a major achievement. i don't know why there are not presents and cake and parades every wednesday at midnight LOL. but no work the next two days. life is good!!

nothing really to say cuz i'm at least half asleep and looking forward to tomorrow. chiropractor, groceries, maybe cooking. lying on ice til the chiro inflammation passes. lol. darn back :)

it's a grumpy thing. all those damaged nerves. oh well! i have a million times better than anyone else i know. i can locate all my pain and deal with it and be content. most people's pain is hidden or unacknowledged and tears them apart inside. i think my pain is good. better. cleaner.

i'd babble lots more but i must needs pass the fuck out. it's been a long week.