Tuesday, June 1, 2010

blind faith

i know a lot of people who are practical and logical. and they, too, fall prey to blind faith.

they believe an anecdote as fact and base their actions upon it.

someone tells them when they were a child they did something. and without video evidence, only the hearsay from a few folk, often only one person, they simply believe it. this is a thing i did. this is the person i was.

how can you just buy into that if you aren't willing to buy other things as fact just because someone said so? where is the scientific inquiry?

i don't understand why people simply accept in some areas and demand proof in others. especially when it comes to who you were - upon which who you are is based.

and if you discard everything you were told about yourself, what does that leave? how do you stare back into the gaping nothing and know who you are? what do you base yourself on. everything that comes to mind you must examine: who told me this? why do i think this is true? where did i learn this? and discard all the little anecdotes that remain unproven.

what is left of who you are?

and when you get to the root of who and what you are that is true, is it something you can deal with?

anymore, i don't believe anything that i cannot be certain of. what does this leave? my wonderful list. the basic concepts of physics (i think they are incomplete, not incorrect, so i can cope with things like gravity and thermodynamics).

sometimes i am bothered by how little of me there is. i don't know where this comes from. this concept that i'm broken. i have only now because now is the only thing that is and even that isn't entirely real because it's all perception and senses. but nonetheless, it IS at least, and so i go with that or else i don't think i could survive. it's always in my head that none of it really is. shadows and smoke.

and then things are so much only shadows that i forget whether or not i can exist, because how can something exist now without a then?

and then i run to my auntie to make it all better. she says i'm lucky. most people have to strip it all off with careful thought and they only scrape the surface. creating of themselves who they want to be. i just slough it all off on accident because my brain only recognizes things i really know, things i can be certain of.

she says i'm organic compost where as most people are store bought shit food that has to be excreted, then composted, along with its cardboard box, to get something good to grow. lol.

i can't recall her other analogy. but i was thoroughly amused.

so once again it's good to be me, with all my lack of existence and confusion and my world built on smoke and mirrors. it's just so disconcerting when you look around and realize there is so little there and everyone else is reacting to things that aren't there. i think i would be okay if everyone else wasn't interacting with a world i cannot see. i suppose it is fair. they don't see my shadow world trees and walk right through them.

i don't see their pasts or their futures.

i don't have their faith. i've never been good at that.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

hoorah for visits!

My friend is visiting and the rest of his family will be out here Tuesday. I work Tuesday and had gotten permission to log out for an hour to hang out but now, because the universe sits around thinking of ways to make me happy, I'm not assigned on phones at ALL that day, so I can visit for as long as they want. I just have to be available to type and answer questions all day long :D

Life is so good!

Normally I'm on phones Tuesday and off Wednesday. Random Universe Love! LOL.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

My Story

So one of the autism groups is collecting stories from auties, right? Well. What the hell is there to say? I'm self diagnosed. I haven't done anything triumphant. I'm a fairly average person living a fairly average life. I haven't had anything to "overcome". I've just had to hold tight and wait out my brain developing. Developmental delay means slow, not stopped. The waiting sucked. But here I am, a fairly average 17 year old, in her first apartment, holding down a job, and trying to decide how to meet people and be social.

The only unordinary thing is that I am 33.

I sorta recall that some parts of my life were spent frantic, but looking back, I'm calm now so the now is everything and I can't think of anything interesting to tell anyone.


So if anyone has any ideas what you are supposed to tell people when telling them about yourself when they ask things like "what is your story in regards to autism"... please comment and gimme a hand. I think "it's all very ordinary" is very important. High Functioning Autism isn't that big a deal. Your just a social retard and it takes you a bit *cough cough* longer to reach adulthood. Or teenhood. Whatever.

I dunno.

Seems kinda silly to ask a group who statistically lives in an endless NOW about a possible THEN and to describe how you felt when you've moved past that feeling into feeling whatever the now is. I suppose for those still in the then it's different, but once you are passed it, what do you do to explain that you aren't who you were.

halp halp.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

buddhism & non violence

There are aspects of Buddhism I was born in touch with. I understand universal love. I understand detachment (and not the American emo version lol).

But damned if I give a flying fuck about non violence. In fact, I'm very PRO violence. I think love is sometimes a good solid smack upside the head and I think killing those who threaten you is dandy. We are animals and the non violence is a way to keep yourself mindful and above simple animal reactions.

As a concept, I approve of anything that creates mindfulness. For me, violence is mindful. I guess most people don't do it like I do. Violence is an act of love, of contrition, of proving you live, of dancing of fucking of cooking. It's slaughter to create life.

And yet I'm quite against war. I find that amusing.

War is monetary and political. It's not an action that defines life. It's not violence, it's a game that happens to have violent moments.

Somehow, I say violence is good and people assume I go around beating people or applaud abuse and the slave trade. Which just shows that people are idiots who need smacked upside the head more often. Sometimes a child needs a swat and sometimes you need slapped when you take liberties. I don't think the levels of violence that really amuse me are for everyone. I freely admit parts of my brain are quite broken if "able to fit easily and comfortably into society" is the definition of not broken.

All the feralness and careful, thought out, non reactive violence, and the joyous unthought violence that is stronger the more calm and pleased I am... all serve to make folk scared of me. Which, of course, just pisses me off.

All of my friends find the utter love of violence when I'm most joyous rather adorable and simply a part of me. That is why I love them more deeply and with many other positive emotions all blended in.

Love of violence is running out into the hail during a tornado warning to dance out the screams. Love of violence is being tied and beaten until the calm pervades and slips out in a screaming orgasm. It is the loving thought of killing those you love when they are nearing their end or in a pain that will not end. It's wanting to raise my own beef and help slaughter it and process it so that the care and love will infuse it and come back to me as I eat it. It's the pleasure in watching a cat catch a mouse, in watching the lion take down the antelope, in hearing a rabbit scream as it's caught by dog. It's the joy in the pain that happens every day, that is present and colours all the negative emotions that the pain creates. Violence is life and life is joy and so I am a very poor Buddhist in some ways.

Because non violence is so anti what I am that trying to be non violent would be against Buddhism, which is all very balanced and zen and so it feels very right being a violent Buddhist.

Perfection lies in being as utterly you as you can be. When all the illusions are set aside, when the fear of the dark is passed through, when you can face you light side as easily as your dark side, when you know who and what you are and this doesn't dismay or frighten you, when you can nod and appreciate that person and love it... then you can reach perfection.

I think people get confused thinking perfect must be some version of "good". But perfection is a state of being and good is a value judgment. I don't believe in value judgments. I don't think they exist. They are mental constructs.

I'm babbling terribly, but it's been a long day and I'm sick and tired of people being so fucking scared of themselves and their "bad" parts and their darkness and I'm tired of those who therefore fear we who don't fear it all. It's so ridiculous.

If people can just accept that they are mammals, life would be so much easier. Yes, we pollute. All animals do. We litter. All animals do. The difference between a bird eating a nut and tossing shells everywhere and humans eating a snickers and tossing the wrapper is very subtle. It's a natural reaction to spread the seeds. If people understood that they are animals trying to spread seeds perhaps it would be easier to therefore remember to clean up after themselves. But people fear being animals. Animals have no souls and suffer and die and who wants that? So we'll invent stories to feel better. Invent gods who love us best and give us a way out. We'll invent reasons why we are more and better and don't just follow instinct, which is all instinct anyway, so it defeats its own argument.

Friday, May 14, 2010

recipezaar world tour

lookie what my AUNTIE made me!!! :D

Thursday, May 13, 2010

suicidal is NOT depressed

so in a schedule tightness i had two days on low food. and i am reminded that 48 hours on low calorie makes me suicidal. and psychotic.

for some reason people assume that i'm therefore somehow depressed. i don't understand where that leap comes from. i'm still pleased with everything, think we are the luckiest state in the world because it's raining and perfect temperature, and filled with joy that things are blooming. i just want to have a blood bath. mine and everyone else's. i'm not sure where the depressed comes in. lack of sanity, sure. no arguments.

everything grates on my nerves that has to do with people, but nothing else does. and i don't. grate on my own nerves LOL. it's just that people are so petty, i can't take them seriously. and they take themselves so seriously i have to mock them. on low calories i don't have the excess energy to hold back.

i spend stupid amounts of energy on social shit all week long. i don't have the energy for it away from work and especially when i'm not eating enough. it's all bullshit and lies anyway. small talk drives me up the wall even when i feel well.

i am so tired of bullshit. i mean, i get paid to put up with it, so i deal with it at work. but i don't get paid to put up with it outside of work, so i don't. i have no issue with basic manners, but social games should mean i get to kneecap you with a spiked bat.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


i made it through my work week! this always feels like a major achievement. i don't know why there are not presents and cake and parades every wednesday at midnight LOL. but no work the next two days. life is good!!

nothing really to say cuz i'm at least half asleep and looking forward to tomorrow. chiropractor, groceries, maybe cooking. lying on ice til the chiro inflammation passes. lol. darn back :)

it's a grumpy thing. all those damaged nerves. oh well! i have a million times better than anyone else i know. i can locate all my pain and deal with it and be content. most people's pain is hidden or unacknowledged and tears them apart inside. i think my pain is good. better. cleaner.

i'd babble lots more but i must needs pass the fuck out. it's been a long week.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

fear is the mind killer

i realized today that since most folk fear technology and fear looking stupid and they call in to my job having to deal with both fears and fear is the mind killer and that is why so many calls seem so dumb.

only, oddly, most of my calls are pretty nice. no one yells at me. i don't know why other people have more irate callers than i do. everyone rather likes me. the entire universe adores me. and i love all of it right back. i can't help but feel like that since things always work out for me.

i wanted a freezer, my dad is getting rid of his. i was fried at work, they offered me time off the phones. i wasn't sure if i wanted to go to the gym this morning, it snowed so i stayed in. everything just works. all the time. even when things go "wrong" i feel joyous inside. even if i'm yelling and stomping outside. my reactions to the world that is have nothing to do with my world within but my world within often influences the world that is and this makes me think the world within is more real and more powerful.

i have to admit that lately i am doubting that i have any lack of reality and that means that certain things are therefore real. i haven't lost any of my doubt that nothing is real. i've lost my doubt at myself. or i've simply lost myself to all the worlds and i call it sanity. some days it is hard to tell which.

when it really comes down to it, reality is fully defined by our senses, and it is allegedly proven that our senses are not the most honest of folk. in fact: they lie. constantly. and are easily fooled.

ooo just got an email from my mom :D my step dad is awesome and has been helping me cuz i'm kinda lame sometimes and broke always so he bought me shelving for all my lots and lots of books and a cell phone and he's just a sweetheart to me all the time and so i made him a pie. coconut cream. and he LOVED it!! it tasted good and he was really glad to be shown appreciation :) what else is one supposed to do when shown so much generosity?? since i obviously can't literally repay it, the best i can do is take time and effort out of my schedule and do a kindness back. dur. that's much more concrete than saying "thank you". although i do that too :)

i am always so damned hyper after work. it is so much stress to hold me in and project the stick figure of "good social skills" upon the world. i listen to every word i use and carefully fit the right tone and phrasing and everything and it's tiresome and by the end i have to spew words and run and chatter and just spew spew energy all over because all my thoughts are cut stab bleed break the glass and listen to the screams destroy it all. not even anger but joy in being free from the trap. for me joy is always blood and screaming. this is why i won't top. >.>

but lately has been "all the world is love" and all the not pleasant doesn't have anything to do with it. it's joy all the time and containing everything inside at work is so much effort. every muscle aches with it when i finally log out. but i don't seem to be carrying work stress for so long after work anymore. but i have to run it off one way or another and with all this growing, the heart isn't up to actual sprints.

which is rather why i have this blog now, neh?

well it's off to make dinner now. i wants food and i wants foods NAO!

thai coconut curry chicken stuff soup.

eta: sometimes i think these growth hormones do crazy shit to my brainz. i'm not getting taller anymore at least. bwahahahahahaha.

'round the world!

my favorite site, recipezaar is doing an around the world game. i can't wait to start cooking. i even roped my mom into it since her diet is less restrictive than mine is so that i have more cooking options!!

i don't understand why anyone anywhere doesn't LOVE to cook. you are what you eat. literally. if you eat crappy food you have nothing but crap to build cells from and then people are surprised so many chronic diseases are on the increase.

but mostly cooking is an act of love. you love the earth as you gather in produce and you love the animals as you gather in meats and you love your body as you put together foods that taste good and nourish you. there is nothing in the act of cooking that doesn't make me feel better, from the shopping to the digesting.

unless i'm retarded and eat grains.

i was going to go to they gym. but the clouds were black and full of snow and suddenly eating and snuggling with amira and putting together cookbooks for the game seemed much more doable. i love colorado :)

may and snow!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

made it through another monday

mondays at work are crazy because i'm in a call center and people are nutcases on mondays. but i made it through and didn't log out for more than an hour like i so often have to do to get through it.

i've been having too much dopamine lately (normal post seizure condition for me) and such strange thoughts but things are settlish today and that always helps at work.

drank my apple cider vinegar lemonade today so all shall be well.

i don't know how other people do it. working and having a life. it's all i can do to get through work but i'm so damned grateful i have a job and i don't know how the hell i'm so good at it other than that i approach it from a sociological study point of view so i remain nicely detached.

my entire way of dealing with life comes down to a combination of fierce wild love for everything that exists and utter detachment from the interactions that hurt so much. sometimes i think all autistics are born to be buddhist. because the detachment doesn't stop the love and the love doesn't interfere with the detachment. i think they actually enhance each other so that it all grows.

i'm really excited about having an uncensored blog. i dunno what all i'll say here but it's relaxing to not worry about content or how i say things. in my other blog i try to not be too psychotic because i am trying to explain things. this is not an explaining blog. it is a spewing words due to emotional indigestion.

new blog!

because i don't want to have to worry about sounding sane, or in control, or bother with capitals and punctuation.

just a place to spew the crazies, really.

should be easier to blog daily when i don't edit. i'm curious to see what happens!