Tuesday, May 11, 2010

fear is the mind killer

i realized today that since most folk fear technology and fear looking stupid and they call in to my job having to deal with both fears and fear is the mind killer and that is why so many calls seem so dumb.

only, oddly, most of my calls are pretty nice. no one yells at me. i don't know why other people have more irate callers than i do. everyone rather likes me. the entire universe adores me. and i love all of it right back. i can't help but feel like that since things always work out for me.

i wanted a freezer, my dad is getting rid of his. i was fried at work, they offered me time off the phones. i wasn't sure if i wanted to go to the gym this morning, it snowed so i stayed in. everything just works. all the time. even when things go "wrong" i feel joyous inside. even if i'm yelling and stomping outside. my reactions to the world that is have nothing to do with my world within but my world within often influences the world that is and this makes me think the world within is more real and more powerful.

i have to admit that lately i am doubting that i have any lack of reality and that means that certain things are therefore real. i haven't lost any of my doubt that nothing is real. i've lost my doubt at myself. or i've simply lost myself to all the worlds and i call it sanity. some days it is hard to tell which.

when it really comes down to it, reality is fully defined by our senses, and it is allegedly proven that our senses are not the most honest of folk. in fact: they lie. constantly. and are easily fooled.

ooo just got an email from my mom :D my step dad is awesome and has been helping me cuz i'm kinda lame sometimes and broke always so he bought me shelving for all my lots and lots of books and a cell phone and he's just a sweetheart to me all the time and so i made him a pie. coconut cream. and he LOVED it!! it tasted good and he was really glad to be shown appreciation :) what else is one supposed to do when shown so much generosity?? since i obviously can't literally repay it, the best i can do is take time and effort out of my schedule and do a kindness back. dur. that's much more concrete than saying "thank you". although i do that too :)

i am always so damned hyper after work. it is so much stress to hold me in and project the stick figure of "good social skills" upon the world. i listen to every word i use and carefully fit the right tone and phrasing and everything and it's tiresome and by the end i have to spew words and run and chatter and just spew spew energy all over because all my thoughts are cut stab bleed break the glass and listen to the screams destroy it all. not even anger but joy in being free from the trap. for me joy is always blood and screaming. this is why i won't top. >.>

but lately has been "all the world is love" and all the not pleasant doesn't have anything to do with it. it's joy all the time and containing everything inside at work is so much effort. every muscle aches with it when i finally log out. but i don't seem to be carrying work stress for so long after work anymore. but i have to run it off one way or another and with all this growing, the heart isn't up to actual sprints.

which is rather why i have this blog now, neh?

well it's off to make dinner now. i wants food and i wants foods NAO!

thai coconut curry chicken stuff soup.

eta: sometimes i think these growth hormones do crazy shit to my brainz. i'm not getting taller anymore at least. bwahahahahahaha.


  1. Hey Abi,

    This is soooo funny...with the new fridge, baking goodies to eat...and best of all feeling like the world luvs you...of course, i luv u too, silly Beni-geseret queen!!!